Regret List Read online

  The same group of guys was still outside on the porch. “Leaving so soon, girlies?” one of them hollered at us.

  Grace stumbled, but I took a firmer grasp of her arm and shook my head. “Ignore them.” When we were a block away, I finally slowed and removed my hand. She immediately collapsed on the icy sidewalk, sobbing. Taking a step back, I crouched down and stared at her, bewildered. “What happened?”

  “I told him no.” She rubbed her fist against her eyes. “Kandice’s right, you know. I do deserve it. I went up there with him, knowing what he wanted.”

  “Come on,” I pulled her to her feet again. “Let’s keep going. I don’t want you to freeze here.” We walked for a few minutes without talking while her breathing gradually slowed and the tears stopped. “You don’t deserve it, you know,” I ventured. “If you didn’t want to have sex with him, that’s your choice. What did he do to you?”

  She shrugged. “He tried to grab me anyway, so I ran downstairs. He caught up to me then, and pushed me down with all those people around.”

  I could hear her voice quavering again, so I put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, Grace. You don’t have to go through the story if you don’t want to.”

  She went on, seeming not to even hear me. “I tried to get him to let me go and I was just hitting wildly, trying to get away. Some of the guys started laughing then, and that’s when Kandice saw what was going on. That guy, Christopher or whatever, I heard him yelling at her, cussing her out for bringing us to the party. That’s when she started screaming that it was my fault, that I should have let Patrick…you know. That I was asking for it.”

  I made a noise of disgust. “I hate that girl.” We were silent again and I heard a siren far off in the distance. “Grace?”

  “Mm?”

  “Why in the world did you stay with him for so long? You didn’t honestly like him, did you?”

  She shook her head. “Not really. It’s kind of complicated.”

  Now that sounded familiar. “Can you explain it?”

  She gave me a look, seeming to decide whether I would be able to understand, then went on. “Okay, but only because I owe you. See, my mom always told me that if a boy ever showed me any interest, to hold onto him as tight as I could, because it might be the only chance I got.”

  “A-are you serious?”

  She nodded. “That’s just the way my family is. My sisters both ended up with babies before they even graduated high school. Neither of them got their diplomas and they moved out into crappy little apartments with guys they didn’t really like. That’s just the way it is for us.”

  “But you’re different!” I looked at her pleadingly. “You said no.” I laughed a little, although it didn’t seem very funny. “You definitely just broke up with Patrick. There’s no way he’s going to ask you out again, after that whole scene.”

  She looked at me sadly and I felt my heart drop. “It’s too late, Paige.”

  “What-“

  “I’m pregnant.”

  I started crying then, tears pouring down my face and dripping down onto the ice. “Why didn’t I stop you? That first night at the bowling alley, I almost left and brought you with me. I saw that you didn’t want to be there.”

  She stopped then and put her hands on my arms, turning me to face her. “Paige,” she said, surprise in her voice, “you’re the only reason I said no tonight. You…you’re who I think of when I know I need to be brave. The way you were in the car, screaming until they let us out, I wish I could be like you. I’ve always wished I could be like you. That’s why there’s one thing I can’t understand.”

  I stopped sobbing for a moment, long enough to answer her. “What?”

  “Why in the world are you with Jason?” She turned and started walking again, and I stepped into stride beside her, drying my face with my sleeve.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, sniffling.

  “Paige, you’re not the only one who looked uncomfortable and miserable at the bowling alley. Sure, you hang out with him and kiss him, but you don’t have that spark in your eyes.”

  That part surprised me. I assumed I had been putting on a good act. Was I really that obvious, or was Grace just unusually observant? Jason seemed happy enough and no one else had questioned our relationship. “Spark in my eyes?”

  “Yeah. It’s hard to describe. If you look for it, I bet you’ll see it. I see it sometimes in the way Jason looks at you, but I’ve never even seen a hint of a spark in your eyes. Not for Jason, anyway.”

  “It’s complicated,” I finally replied.

  I know I should have told her right then. She had just opened up her entire life to me and here I was, closing up. I wish I had told her right then and had someone to confide in, but she merely nodded. “Well, when it gets too complicated, come and find me.”

  “Wait, come and find you? What do you mean? Won’t you be at school?”

  “I don’t think so.” She ducked her head forward and her hair fell over her face. “Not with all that just happened, plus being pregnant. I’ll just take online classes or something. My mom’s not going to care much.”

  But what am I supposed to do? Fortunately, I wasn’t self-absorbed enough to actually voice that out loud. “Does Patrick know about the baby?” I asked instead.

  “No. I’ll give him a couple months to cool down. I want you there when I tell him, though.”

  “Sure thing, Grace. Do you think you’re going to keep it?”

  She pursed her lips. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to end up like my sisters, but knowing I have this baby…it makes me want to be good. I want to do right for once.”

  “I’ll stand by you, whatever you decide.”

  It started to snow then, and I pulled my hood up in an attempt to stay warm. “Are you going to head home?” I asked Grace.

  She nodded, teeth chattering. “I live just a few more streets over. Do you want to stay there for the night?”

  “No, thanks.” My stomach clenched at the thought. After hearing about Grace’s mom, I couldn’t wait to get home. I wasn’t even worried about trying to explain why I was turning up in the middle of the night, freezing cold. I felt horrible for every time I had complained about my mom to Grace, and wondered what she must have thought of me.

  We took a side street between two dumpsters and ended up in front of a run-down brick house with pinecones littering the front yard. “I’ll see you later, then.” She started up the driveway.

  “Grace, wait.” She stopped and looked at me, wiping the snow out of her hair. “He didn’t, you know, rape you or anything, did he?” I choked over the words.

  She paused before answering. “I didn’t say no. But I didn’t say yes either. I just…closed my eyes and let him do what he wanted.” Turning back around, she raised a hand in farewell and headed for the door. “Remember what I told you. Come find me when it gets too complicated. I’ll call you if I need you.”

  “Goodbye, Grace,” I replied softly. Sighing as she closed the door behind her, I walked on. And that is the result of Regret #3: Ignoring all the signs that something was really, really wrong. Of course, Grace’s part isn’t over just yet, but the rest of that story comes later. First, it got much more complicated.

  Chapter 7

  Sunday passed in a haze of writing. My mom hadn’t blinked when I appeared at 10:30 the previous night, after I explained that Sammy had gotten sick to her stomach and I decided it was best if I left. I hoped that she was sick to her stomach, after what she had done at the party. A full-blown snowstorm had developed overnight and the blanket of white helped block all my worries. Instead, I simply wrote.

  The girl of our story had taken the boy as prisoner. Still bewildered by his failure to kill her, she went every day to his cell to ask him why. Instead of answering, he told her stories of his life: his mom and dad, the birth of his baby sister, how it felt to run through the fields of wheat and stare up at the cloudless sky, trying to see how far into the deep blue h
e could gaze. I knew what would happen soon. Eventually, he would tell her how he found the corpses of his parents and his baby sister, how the fields of wheat burned with a relentless fury, and how the blue sky turned brown with smoke and ash. All because of the wizard she defended so fiercely. I didn’t know how she would react to all that, but for now, I was content to let her listen to peaceful, happy stories of the world beyond the rocky precipice the wizard’s castle sat upon.

  Maybe it was because I was dreading it so fiercely, but Monday seemed to come much faster than normal. When I woke up, I realized I had forgotten to do my biology homework but it was too late to do anything about it. I was just thankful that neither Kandice nor Sammy were in any of my classes. Slumping in my chair, I tried to ignore the concerned glances that I knew would be coming from Jason and Asher. Putting my head down in my arms, I winced when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It would be Jason, for sure. Asher wouldn’t dare bother me when I was so obviously in a bad mood. Plastering a pleasant look on my face, I looked up. To my surprise, it was our teacher.

  “Are you alright, dear?”

  I silently forgave her for making Asher’s first day so awkward. She was young, probably just out of college. It was obvious that she was desperate not to make a mess out of her first year. “Fine,” I said lightly. “Just tired. Sorry, I forgot my homework.”

  She smiled at me and winked. “Don’t worry about it. We all have days like that. Just bring it in tomorrow.”

  Feeling a little better, I propped my head up on my hand. Although invisible, all the support strings my friends provided had been cut, but I was still doing okay. Maybe I really could do this on my own. I still avoided making eye contact with anyone, though. If Kandice and Sammy had engaged in any sort of character assassination over the weekend, there was no telling what I would find in my classmates’ looks. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

  I darted for the door after class and ignored my phone buzzing against my hip. Jason and Asher would want to know what was wrong and I wasn’t ready for that yet, either. Instead, I slipped the notebook into Asher’s locker and trudged through the rest of my day. At lunch, I sat down in front of one of the tall windows that made up the wall of the atrium. As I slowly forced down my sandwich, I kept my eyes on the snow falling outside, but paused when I heard footsteps stop at my back. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Kandice and Sammy, their faces unreadable. With a sigh, I turned to face them.

  “There you are.” Kandice’s voice sounded robotic as she slid down next to me.

  “Can you believe that party on Saturday?” Sammy said, sitting down on my other side. “I was so drunk.”

  I stared at them in disbelief. Were they really trying to go back to the way things were? After what they had done? Maybe that was the difference between us: what happened at the party was no big deal to them. We were going to act like Grace never existed, like she and I hadn’t had to walk several miles home in the middle of the night. This is one of those times that I’m not afraid to tell you about. I don’t regret what happened next.

  “Are you serious?” I stood up and faced Kandice. “You’re seriously going to act like Grace isn’t here, that you basically accused her of asking to get raped, that she deserved whatever happened to her? You know what – I hope that you never find yourself in her shoes because I doubt anyone will jump to your defense and get you out of there.” I turned to Sammy. “And you. I always knew Kandice would choose a hundred things over us, but you? I thought you were better than that.” I scooped up my lunch and still raging a little, I might have kicked over their drinks and stomped on their sandwiches and chips a little before storming off. Just a little.

  Some guy at the end of the hallway whooped and threw himself out of my way, pretending to cower against the lockers. “Don’t get in this girl’s way, guys!” he hollered. As I pushed through the doors to the stairwell, I smiled a little. Doing the whole high school thing without friends? Yeah, I could do this. There was no way I could have done the alternative and played along with them. That’s just not who I am.

  Fortunately, there were only a couple weeks of school left until winter break. I began feeling like I was leading a double life during that period. The days belonged to Jason. I walked with him between classes, went over to his house after school some days, and chatted on the phone while we did our homework. The nights belonged to Asher, when I wrote until I fell asleep with a pen in my hand on the nights I had the notebook, and exchanged text messages with him regarding plot points.

  It reminded me a lot of how I felt a couple years ago, during a time when my decision-making skills were not exactly at their best. Now, you’ve got to promise me that if you ever run into my mom, you cannot tell her this story. It doesn’t matter how old I am now – she would still flip out if she knew what we had done. Asher and I were twelve at the time and I was spending the day at his house, watching movies and roasting marshmallows over the gas stove. It was just a few months before his parents split up and they were gone for the day. They must have been at counseling or something, but all we knew was that we had the house to ourselves. We were stuffing our faces with marshmallows when his brothers came into the living room and stood in front of the TV, blocking our view.

  “Hey!” I protested, throwing a marshmallow at them. They both wore what I would categorize as a “sly grin” and I could tell they were up to no good. They rarely were. I’m not saying they were bad kids, but around that time, they started getting much more mischievous. I don’t know if it’s because of their parents or because they were in their mid-teens, but it seemed like Asher was always telling me about some new situation they had got themselves into.

  After I threw the marshmallow, I realized Asher’s oldest brother, Terrance, had something hidden behind his back. “Out of the way,” Asher grumbled.

  “C’mon kiddos,” Terrance wheedled, “Mom and Dad are out. Why don’t you do something a little more exciting than watch Harry Potter and eat candy?”

  “What do you have behind your back?” I asked, suspicious.

  The middle brother, Caden, tousled my hair and backed out of the room with Terrance. “Come upstairs and see, Paige-o.” Laughing, they ran off and I heard them charge upstairs.

  I turned to Asher. “Want to go upstairs?”

  He just shrugged. “It’s trouble.”

  “Yeah, but-“ I paused. Why did I want to go upstairs when I knew it would only lead to trouble? I wasn’t sure why at the time, but looking back at it, I suppose it’s pure curiosity. You know how your mom always told you to try new foods at least once? Well, that spilled into the rest of my life as well. I’m the kind of person that wants to experience as much as possible, just once, even if it gets me in the occasional bit of trouble.

  After I talked Asher into coming upstairs with me, we tentatively peered into his brothers’ room. They boys were sitting on the floor with a bong between them. “How nice of you to join us, Paige,” Caden said in an overly-polite voice. “Would you care for a hit?”

  I laughed nervously and plunked down next to him. “I guess I’ll try it.”

  Terrance glanced over at Asher, who still stood in the doorway. “You joining us, brother dearest?”

  Asher shook his head, but didn’t leave.

  “I don’t know how to do this.” I looked helplessly at Caden.

  He laughed and held it up to his lips, inhaling and building up the smoke inside. “Here,” he said quickly, handing it over. “Take a deep breath and hold it.”

  I breathed in and screwed up my face at the taste, then promptly doubled over, coughing. “Ugggh,” I managed, tears running down my face. “I’m dying.”

  Terrance and Caden burst out laughing again and I passed the bong back to them. Asher pressed a glass of water into my hands and I gratefully took a sip in between coughing fits. Wiping away the tears from my face, my vision cleared and I saw the boys watching me expectantly. I stared back at them as a buzzing filled my ears and I found myself unable to focu
s. With my eyes twitching uncontrollably, I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face. “I don’t like this,” I whimpered.

  “Come on,” Asher said tiredly, dragging me to my feet and out of the room.

  “I think she’s had enough!” Terrance yelled behind me and he and Caden burst out laughing. I heard their bedroom door shut and knew I was officially out of the party. Now, this is where my memory gets a little hazy, but here’s what I remember:

  Asher led me to his bed, where I promptly toppled over and stared listlessly at him. He set the glass of water on his nightstand and sat down at his computer, glancing over at me occasionally. I was shaking uncontrollably at that point, and things started to get a bit…weird. See, I couldn’t keep a single thought going for more than a second, which was unbearably confusing and disorienting. I slowly became convinced that life was just a dream and I was ascending to a timeless place where I would be tortured like this forever. It was either that, or I was dying. Or had already died. Like I said, I was totally confused and absolutely miserable.

  The scariest part was when I decided the only way to move on from this timeless state was to prove that life was a dream. I had to do something crazy. I focused for a moment on Asher, who was playing a computer game and muttering to himself as he clicked madly. Could I strangle him? That was definitely something unexpected. I could probably do it, and that was definitely crazy enough to prove this was a dream. I started to sit up, but fortunately, my lethargy was overwhelming and I didn’t get any farther. Instead, I focused on something closer: my glass of water. With a sense of triumph, I knocked it over, splattering water onto the floor.