Regret List Read online

  I tried to sit up, but felt a hand pushing my shoulder back down. “Relax,” Asher said. Asher? I rolled my head over and saw him sitting next to me.

  “What – where am I?” I asked, my body beginning to ache.

  “Nurse’s office,” he replied, giving me a small grin. “Guess where we get to go.”

  “Home?” I hazarded. “Is school over?” He shook his head and signed an H across his chest. “I don’t know what that is.” I was starting to get grumpy as the confusion and headache set in.

  He sighed and gave me a disapproving look, but a smile still played across his lips. “The hospital, dumb dumb.”

  I grimaced. “Great. The hospital. Of course I would end up there.” I heard the nurse on the phone nearby, explaining where the nurse’s office was located in the school. I bit my lip and stared back up at the ceiling.

  “Hey, I thought I told you to relax.” I felt his hand close around my own and I looked over at him in surprise. “Stop freaking out. I’m coming with.”

  Okay, this is probably something I need to explain. I hadn’t been in a hospital since my dad died. I honestly didn’t even realize hospitals had left such a lasting impression on me until several years after the accident, when Asher had to get his tonsils out. His mom picked me up on the way to the hospital to visit him after the surgery and as we walked up to the door, I froze. Suddenly, I remembered my mom rushing in front of me, pulling me along by my wrist as we raced to go see my dad one last time.

  “Hey!” Terrance yelled and grabbed my wrist. “Hurry up!”

  “Mom!” Caden ran ahead and tugged his mom’s shirt. “Paige isn’t coming!”

  Their mom looked back and her face softened as she saw my abject terror. She tried coaxing me into the hospital, but I refused to step into the lobby. Finally, she ordered Caden and Terrance to watch over me while she went to check on Asher. With the boys grumbling on either side of me, the three of us sat down on a park bench in front of the hospital.

  “Paige!” I heard someone calling my name and I looked around in confusion. “Up here!” Laughing, Caden pointed up at one of the hospital windows and Terrance jumped up, waving his arms. His mom stood in front of one of the windows, smiling down at us. She ushered Asher forward, who looked miserable, but managed a wave.

  “Hey, Asher!” I called through the open window, just a floor above where I stood. “How are you feeling?” He gave me a thumbs-down and I dug in my pocket for a second, pulling out a crumpled up card I had drawn for him. “I made this for you,” I said, holding it up. He squinted, then shrugged at me, totally unable to make out what it was.

  “I can bring it to him!” Caden raced over and grabbed the card, bolting into the hospital to find his brother. A moment later, Asher was reading the card, then he smiled down at me and signed, Thanks!

  A nurse walked by and smiled when she saw us communicating through the window, then rummaged in her big bag for something. “Here, this might help.” She handed me a box. When I opened it, I found a couple sticks of sidewalk chalk. For the next hour, Terrance and Caden raced up and downstairs, alternately visiting each of us and interpreting messages that I didn’t understand the signs for. The four of us played tic-tac-toe, hangman, and other simple games with the sidewalk chalk until the nurses demanded that Asher get back in bed to rest. The entire time, his mom just stood at the window, smiling down at me.

  So that’s why Asher was the one person at school who understood why my stomach was doing flips when I heard that I was going to the hospital. I tightened my grip around his hand. “You’re coming with me?” I asked, worry lines creasing my forehead.

  He rolled his eyes and nodded. “I’ll cling to the back of the ambulance if I have to.”

  The mental image brought a smile to my face, despite the fact I could barely get my teeth to stop chattering. “Wait, where’s the notebook? Kandice, she-“ I stopped as he raised his eyebrows and pulled it out from under his chair.

  “No worries. That’s what I’m here for.”

  “Thank goodness.” I relaxed slightly. “You even got the page she tore out?” He nodded and I pressed a finger and thumb to my eyes, rubbing them slightly. “What all happened? I mean, I know I fell down the stairs, but how’d you get the notebook?”

  He shifted and looked around the room. “I saw what happened and grabbed it, right before I brought you here.”

  “You brought me here?” I was impressed. “No way. I’m too heavy.”

  He gave me a sly look. “Well, I had to drag you by your feet. Sorry if your head’s a little sore; it bumped all the way down the stairs.”

  “Liar.” I unraveled my hand from his and smacked his arm.

  I heard sobbing suddenly and looked around in alarm. “Is someone else hurt? I didn’t smash into anyone, did I?” The sound seemed to be coming from behind a closed door that connected the nurse’s office to the main office.

  “Nah, you did a fine job of taking yourself out. Other people would have just cushioned your fall. I imagine that is the sound of your good friend being suspended.”

  My eyes widened. “Suspended? Really?”

  “Uh, yeah. You can’t exactly knock a girl unconscious without some sort of consequence. She might even be expelled, especially with everyone watching her shove you down the stairs.”

  I felt a twinge of guilt. “She didn’t exactly mean for me to fall.”

  He sat back in his chair. “Then maybe she shouldn’t have pushed you right next to the stairs.” We listened to the sound of sirens drown out her crying and I felt my breath quicken. The nurse led a couple paramedics into the small room and when they opened the door, I heard a mob of people talking in the hallway. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Asher wasn’t kidding when he said everyone watched me fall down the stairs.

  The paramedics wasted no time strapping my head down to something, just in case my neck was broken or cracked somehow. But when one of the men moved my left arm, I yelped in pain and snatched it away from him. Asher snorted. “Good thing I didn’t try to grab that hand,” he said.

  “Not. Helping,” I replied through gritted teeth. “Is this really necessary?” I asked, as they transferred me to stretcher.

  One of the younger paramedics gave me a sympathetic look. “Sorry, kiddo. We’ve got to be extra careful since you’re in a school. The last thing they want is your mom and dad suing them.” They continued asking me questions and getting me ready for the ambulance, then wheeled me out into the hall. Thankfully, the bell had since rung, so most of the students had dispersed. I saw a few teachers, though, including our biology teacher. She rushed over when she saw me on the stretcher.

  “Oh, Paige, honey!” she exclaimed, trying to keep up with the paramedics. “Oh, you poor soul!” Her eyes shimmered with tears and it took all my resolve not to burst out laughing at her expression. Asher wasn’t faring as well and I heard him try to disguise his laughter as a desperate coughing attack. I know I already forgave her for that first day of school, but any lingering feelings totally evaporated. She was just too ridiculously sweet to hold a grudge against. As we left the school, I watched the entrance and half-expected to see her waving a handkerchief and crying, but she had dissolved into the crowd of other onlookers.

  I was loaded into the ambulance and the paramedics almost stopped Asher from joining me, until he lied and said he was my brother and that our mom ordered him to come with me. I don’t know if they bought it, but they stepped aside and he slid in next to me. Just as the doors were about to slam shut, I heard a woman’s voice I didn’t recognize. “I called your mom, Paige. She said she’ll meet you at the hospital.” Unable to move my head, I raised an eyebrow at Asher as the doors closed and I felt the ambulance start to move.

  “Nurse,” he explained. “You know, you’re going to have a pretty nasty bump on the back of your head.”

  I grimaced. “Gross.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t go feeling too sorry for yourself.” He doubled over in laughter. �
�You poor soul.”

  “Shut up!” I flailed my good hand at him, but he was sitting on my other side this time.

  “See, I learned my lesson,” he said, sitting back with his hands behind his head. I heard his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out, flipping it open with a cocky grin. “Hey, some of my friends want to know if you’re dead.”

  I laughed and one of the paramedics frowned at me. “Stop moving around so much. You’re going to make your injuries worse.”

  “Should I tell them you’re in a coma?”

  “Yeah, suggest that they take bets on when or if I’ll wake up.” We both grinned at each other and for a few minutes, I forgot where we were headed. But then, the ambulance slowed and reality returned. I could feel sweat beading on my forehead, threatening to drip down my temples. “Now you can’t even hold my hand,” I moaned, wiping my good hand across my face.

  “I bet he’d hold your hand.” Asher gestured at the paramedic who sat opposite him, but his face softened a little when he saw how much distress I was in.

  “I hate you,” I mumbled, closing my eyes. Before I was even close to being ready, we had stopped, the doors had opened, and I was being removed from the relative safety of the ambulance. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I knew it was his, even without opening my eyes.

  “No, you don’t,” he replied quietly as we bounced along. The brightness against my eyelids dimmed suddenly and I knew we were inside the hospital. “Hey, your mom’s here already.”

  I opened my eyes, but couldn’t see her until she leaned over me, looking frantic. “You must’ve driven like crazy to get here before the ambulance,” I said lightly, trying to keep the anxiousness from my voice.

  “Paige!” she wailed, clutching her hands over her mouth. “The nurse said a girl pushed you down the stairs at school!”

  “It was an accident, Mom. I’m fine,” I protested, sighing at the scene she was making, and reluctant to explain exactly why I had been pushed down the stairs. “Seriously.” She reached for my bad hand and I snatched it away, holding it protectively to my chest. “Except for that!”

  She looked horrified and I felt Asher pat my shoulder. “You poor, poor soul. All busted up.”

  “I really do hate you,” I insisted. I was handed off to a nurse, who stuck us in a tiny cubicle-like room.

  “Thank you,” my mom said suddenly. I was about to ask her what she was thanking me for when I realized she was talking to Asher.

  “Uh, no problem,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

  Before she could continue, I was whisked off to check out my wrist and head. I’m not sure what Asher and my mom talked about while I was away, but I can only imagine how awkward it was for the two of them. I think he must have spent most of the time writing because by the time I left with a broken wrist and a bump to the head, he was ready to hand the notebook back over to me. He also demanded on being the first to sign his name on my cast in giant block letters that took up most of the space.

  Really, the hospital wasn’t that bad and everyone was really nice, but I still felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders when I stepped into the fresh air of the outdoors. Asher put an arm around my shoulders. “You see, that wasn’t so bad,” he said brightly.

  I held up my wrist. “Uh, you’re not the one with a broken wrist,” I pointed out. “But yeah, it wasn’t too awful.” After dropping Asher off at his house, I realized my mom was remaining strangely silent. “What’s up, Mom?”

  She just pinched her mouth up in a troubled look. “What happened to Jason?”

  “What do you mean?” I dug in my pocket for my phone. “I suppose I should let him know what’s going on. I think Asher has been spreading rumors that I’m in a coma.” I giggled and started flicking through all the texts and calls I had missed, asking if I was okay.

  She shook her head, still looking displeased. “Don’t you think you should back off things with Asher a little if you have a boyfriend?”

  I laughed as I sent a Jason a text, assuring him that I was okay. “Relax, Mom. We’re just friends.” Now, I think you and I can both agree that that was not the case, and I even knew it at the time. I might have not admitted it out loud to myself, but I was happier than I had been in a long time. I hadn’t even truly realized how much I missed Asher – just the closeness we shared, where I felt like he was the most important person in my life.

  I’ve thought a lot about bullies since that whole incident. I think I was lucky. I’ve heard about a lot of people who get bullied no matter what happens. It doesn’t matter how injured they get, who else tries to step in, it just gets worse and worse. Some people keep being bullied until they stand up for themselves, and sometimes that doesn’t even work. Kandice was only suspended for about a week, but neither she nor Sammy ever bothered me again after that incident at school. Maybe bullying only stops when it goes further than the bully intended. For Kandice and Sammy, that was sending me to the hospital. Like I said, I was lucky.

  That’s why, for a few weeks, everything seemed perfect. I started eating lunch with Asher and his friends, Jason worried over me and carried my books from class to class, and everyone wanted to know what had happened and what my ride in the ambulance had been like. For a few weeks, life was awesome and everything seemed to be falling into place. But then, this wouldn’t be much of a story if everything stayed perfect, would it? This next part is the worst part of the story for me. It all fell apart on Valentine’s Day.

  Chapter 9

  Valentine’s Day started with a mysterious message. This was my first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend, so I was excitedly awaiting something like this. Because it was a Saturday, I was still lounging in bed when a text message vibrated my phone. With a stretch, I slipped on my glasses and read the message. Strangely enough, it came from an anonymous number, probably from one of those websites online that’s intended for people who don’t own cell phones.

  Look out your window.

  Grinning, I bounded over to the window and peered outside. Red lava rocks were piled in the shape of an arrow against the dirt, pointing down the street. It was still cold outside, so I quickly bundled up and hurried outside, anxious to see what Jason had planned for us. I nearly ran into my mom on the front porch. “What is all this?” she asked, sounding irritated.

  “It’s Valentine’s Day, Mom. I’ll clean it up later.” I thought that with all her dates, she’d understand this kind of thing, but she just sighed and headed indoors.

  “Well, stay safe,” she said, closing the door behind her.

  I plodded down the sidewalk, avoiding the snow drifts that still piled up against trees and mailboxes. I stopped at the end of the block, not sure which way to turn, but a glimmer of something sparkling caught my eye. A heart-shaped metallic balloon was caught in the tree and reaching up to untangle it, I realized it was tied to a branch. On my tiptoes, I untied the balloon and pulled it free. A note was attached to the string.

  I have some books to return. Meet me at the library.

  Wishing I had grabbed my bike, I continued walking, tying the balloon around my wrist. The library, huh? Not exactly the most romantic of locations, but whatever. Half a mile later, I entered the library, happy to get out of the cold. I stood for a moment in the lobby, looking around for Jason. Instead, one of the librarians caught my eye. “Red balloon,” she said. “You must be Paige.”

  “Uh, yeah,” I said, walking over to her desk.

  “I was told to give you this.” She smiled conspiratorially and handed me a book. “It’s already checked out.”

  “Oh, okay. Thanks!” I waved and bounded back toward the door, ready to head back into the cold.

  “It’s due back in two weeks!” she yelled after me.

  Back outside, I stared at the book for a moment, leaning against the bike racks. What am I supposed to do with this? I hadn’t read it before. It was entitled “Journey of a Girl” which was rather fitting, but not particularly useful. I flipped through
the pages and something bright flashed by, standing out against the cream-colored pages. Carefully paging through the book until I found the spot of color, I discovered a bright pink sticky-note with an arrow pointing at one of the sentences.

  I found her at the coffee shop, dunking a blueberry muffin in a cup of hot chocolate.

  Swiveling on my feet, I looked around at the other stores nearby. Across the street, a little coffee shop was bustling with happy couples having a relaxed morning coffee. Tucking the book under my arm, I sprinted across the street with my balloon trailing behind me. I waited patiently in line until the harried barista asked for my order. Realizing I didn’t even have my wallet with me, I panicked until her eyes blinked into focus and she noticed my balloon.

  “Oh, it’s you! The balloon girl!” She shouted at her coworker to make a hot chocolate, and then handed over a blueberry muffin on a plate. “No charge,” she assured me.

  I sat down at a table, laying the book and muffin down in front of me while I waited, wondering what was next. “Balloon girl!” I heard the coffee guy yell. I hurried back across the coffee shop, apologizing when my balloon bounced off someone’s head. “Here you go,” he said, handing it over.

  “Thanks,” I said, taking a sip. As I lifted it up to my lips, something about the cup caught my eye, and I held it out, shifting my fingers a little. In the space where they normally wrote the type of drink, something else was written. Another message.

  Turn around.

  My heart pounding for some reason, I slowly turned around, ready to throw my arms around Jason for the fun morning. When I didn’t immediately see him, I blinked, trying to focus on what I did see. Asher stood there, staring at me with an expression I had never seen on his face. Confusion washed over me as the music, the conversation, everything else faded away except that weird look on Asher’s face.

  Slowly, he brought his hand up in front of him, extending his thumb, index finger, and pinky. He was signing three letters at once: I, L, and Y. I love you. Even if I didn’t know the sign, I could see it in his eyes. Remember what Grace said, about the “spark”? I had no idea what she was talking about at the time, but I saw it then as I had seen it hundreds of times before. This time, I recognized it for what it was.