Regret List Read online

  Something else Grace said suddenly made sense in that moment. I finally understood why she said she had never seen a hint of a spark in my eyes for Jason. She was specific about that. “Not for Jason, anyway.” Because now that I could see it, I could feel it too. I knew I was giving Asher the same look. I knew I had been giving him that look for a long time. There is a reason nearly every memory includes him at my side.

  Slowly, I brought my hand up in the same sign. I love you, too. And for one absolutely perfect moment, Asher’s face lit up and he moved toward me. Then, my hand dropped, reality crashed back in, and I burst into tears. “I can’t be with you,” I sobbed.

  Looking horrified, Asher glanced around and I knew everyone must be staring. Setting the hot chocolate down on the nearest table, I ran from the coffee shop, getting stuck for a second in the doorway when my balloon caught on the frame. Absolutely desperate to get away from there, I wrenched my hand out of the loop and sprinted away, slipping on the ice and nearly falling on my other wrist, still in its cast. Instead, I managed to land on my butt and I just sat there for a moment, temporarily lacking the strength to get back up. Rubbing my sleeve against my face, I tried to wipe away all the tears and snot, knowing I looked like a disaster.

  I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. Carefully picking myself up and collapsing on a nearby bench, I dug it out of my pocket and tried to read the message through my tears. It was from Asher and read very simply: Never happened.

  I thought that might be okay, that maybe we could continue just being friends, but evidently, that message meant a lot more than today never happened. I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the weekend. Believe me, I considered telling him why I insisted on going out with Jason, but that would mean I had to tell him the whole story about my dad. Admitting to exactly what my dad had done was just too horrifying. I didn’t want Asher to look at me and see a murderer’s daughter. They say you grow up to be an awful lot like your parents and seeing Addiction and Suicide already stamped on that card was more than enough for me.

  Instead, I was just left with that image of Asher, looking shocked as I burst into tears and ran out of the coffee shop. With no other communication from him, I spent the weekend writing, hoping I could make it up to him in some other way. At least there was still that one thing that bonded us together. I put all my energy into writing our book and only hoped it would be enough.

  I should say something before we continue, though. It would be so incredibly easy to say that Jason forgot about Valentine’s Day, treated me like an afterthought, and write him off as a lousy boyfriend. I know now that going out with him because of my guilt was an absolutely horrible idea and it would be so much easier to tell you that it wasn’t that big of a deal, because he didn’t care so much about me anyway. But like I said earlier, I’m going to tell you the truth, even when it makes me look bad. Jason was awesome. He dropped by later on Valentine’s Day, all dressed up, and gave me a box of chocolate and a necklace. I still looked like a blotchy mess and I lied, telling him I wasn’t feeling well, so I didn’t have to invite him in.

  Like I said: I was an idiot back then.

  At school that week, I went back to eating lunch by myself. It was obvious that Asher was avoiding me and ignoring my texts. He wanted nothing to do with me, but still we kept up the notebook, slipping it into each other’s locker when the coast was clear. Except, even in the story, the boy was heart-wrenchingly distant with the girl as they escaped the wizard’s castle and fled his armies. It seemed like no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to win Asher back as my best friend. It was the loneliest time of my life. The worst part was that Jason seemed more and more smitten with me, even as I felt more distant from him.

  I still believed going out with Jason was the right thing to do, but I didn’t think I had the strength to keep going like that for the rest of my life. Jason was a nice guy and I liked him, but not the way he liked me. Every time he touched me, I felt another little piece of myself wither away. I think it’s because I was proving to myself that I wasn’t important, that my life was just a tool. One night, unable to sleep, I knelt on the floor next to my bed, leaning my head against the mattress. I had seen the scene in children’s books and in movies, and I closed my eyes and wished hard. I prayed that if I was wrong, if there was a God or a Coyote or something up there, that someone would show me what to do, how to keep going. That’s how desperate I was becoming.

  However, before we go too much deeper into the Asher-Jason debacle, there’s one other loose end I need to tie up: Grace. No, I didn’t forget about her while all this other stuff was going on, but I knew she would text me when she was ready. And one afternoon in early March, that’s exactly what she did. I was lounging on the couch, watching some stupid movie about chimpanzees, when my phone vibrated in the couch cushions somewhere. I looked for it frantically, hoping against hope that it might be a text from Asher. Even after nearly a month, every time my phone vibrated, my heart pounded in the same way it had on Valentine’s Day when I saw him in the coffee shop. I finally found it wedged in the cushions and I leapt to my feet when I saw it was Grace. All the message said was: Can you come over?

  Be there in a few minutes, I replied, already slamming my feet into my boots. As I biked over to her house, I wondered if this was it, if she was finally going to confront Patrick. By this point, she must have been around four or five months pregnant. What was it about today that made it the day to tell Patrick, if that’s what we were doing? I suddenly had a dozen questions for her and no idea what to expect. I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with pregnant girls. There was only once before, when I thought I met a pregnant girl around Grace’s age. I say “thought,” because…well, maybe I should just tell the story.

  One April Fool’s day, only two or three years ago, I was sitting around at Asher’s house, playing a karaoke video game with him, his two brothers, and Terrance’s new girlfriend, Sarah. Well, we were trying to play the game, but only Sarah and I were singing. All of the boys refused to sing, despite our protests. As Sarah left to use the bathroom, the boys exchanged glances and looked pointedly at me. “What?” I asked, suspicious. And no, I didn’t realize what day it was.

  Terrance looked away, making sure Sarah was out of earshot and all three of them moved in closer to me. “Didn’t you notice anything…different about Sarah?” Caden asked.

  I shrugged, racking my brain for anything. “No, I don’t think so.”

  Terrance looked down with the most demure look I’d ever seen him give. I swear that guy has a future in acting. Caden stared at me a bit longer, until I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “She’s pregnant,” he finally hissed as we heard the toilet flush.

  My mouth dropped open and I stared at Terrance. “You!” He nodded, his face totally blank. “Oh my God! Does your mom know?” All three boys shook their heads, then shushed me as Sarah came back down the hall. I tried not to stare at her, but found it difficult. I just couldn’t imagine what she must be going through, what it must feel like. She noticed me staring at her stomach and gave me a weird look.

  “Is something wrong?” she asked, pulling a pillow in front of her stomach.

  “No, no,” I quickly reassured her. “I mean, how are you doing?” I spoke with this awful, too-high voice that I figured was how you were supposed to talk to pregnant girls. In reality, I just sounded ridiculous.

  “I’m okay,” she said warily, glancing at the boys who were all grinning at the exchange. “Why do you ask?”

  I scooted closer to her and patted her shoulder. “I just mean, I’m sure everything will be okay. Terrance’s mom is really sweet and I’m sure she’ll understand. But you always have options, you know?” To my preteen mind, I was being supportive.

  Sarah looked totally lost and huddled a little closer to Terrance. “I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re creeping me out.”

  “It’s okay!” I insisted. “They told me about your, you know, pregnancy.�
�� I said the last word in a whisper. Her face transformed in an instant and she smacked Terrance, jumping to her feet.

  “You told her about my what?”

  The boys burst into laughter, falling over each other, and I froze in my seat, feeling my face flush bright red. I shoved Asher, who tried to fend me off, still gasping for breath. “You liar!” I hollered.

  “I didn’t say anything!” He smirked. “Come on, it was funny.”

  Sarah stomped out of the room, followed shortly by Terrance, and I spent a good ten minutes sulking, until both Asher and Caden begged for my forgiveness in between fits of laughter. Terrance and Sarah’s relationship didn’t last too much longer after that, and I had a hard time believing it was solely because Terrance had “better things to do than hang out with dumb girls.”

  On my bike, heading over to Grace’s house, I was finally able to laugh at the memory, promising myself that at least I wouldn’t treat Grace like that. I found the side-street where her house was located, and dumped my bike in her yard. An orange cat ran up as I walked to the door and it meowed, rubbing its head against my leg. “Hey, little guy.” I knelt down and rubbed his ears.

  “That’s Scruffy-Cat.” I jumped, startled, then launched myself at Grace, hugging her tightly.

  “I’ve missed you!” I said, feeling her hesitate, then hug me back. After a moment, I stepped back, looking down at the cat “That’s seriously its name? Scruffy?”

  “Scruffy-Cat,” she corrected me. “He doesn’t live here, but I feed him sometimes. There’s also Puffy-Cat and Fluffy-Cat, but they don’t come around as often.”

  I laughed and she let me inside. “So, what’s up?” I asked, shedding my coat on a chair. As soon as I took it off, I wished I hadn’t. Goose bumps rose up on my arms and I felt a frigid breeze coming through the room. At first I thought she had left a window open, but looking around, I realized the house was just that drafty. Grace was dressed in a thick hoodie, partially pulled up over her head. Now it was clear why. “You look really good, by the way,” I continued.

  She screwed up her face and huddled a little deeper in her hoodie. “If you say so. I’m getting so fat.”

  “You’re not fat.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re pregnant.” She was, too. I had wondered if she would decide to get an abortion, but from the slight roundedness of her stomach, it was clear she had kept it. “Have you told your mom?”

  She nodded. “She was more exasperated than anything, didn’t really know how we were going to afford another baby. She agreed to let me do high school online, though. I think she really wants me to be the first one in our family to graduate high school. She’s really pushing me to keep up on it.”

  “Well, that’s good. So why’d you want me to come over?” I finally asked, probably sounding a bit abrupt, but I was worried Patrick would come bursting through the door any moment.

  “I found out the baby’s sex today,” she replied, sitting down on the couch and patting the cushion next to her. I started to congratulate her, but she waved me to be silent. “Just listen for a sec, okay? So when they told me I was having a boy, it all became totally real, all at once. I mean, I know I was pregnant, but suddenly knowing it was a little boy in there?” She stared at me for a moment, seeming to wonder if I could really understand what she was trying to get across. “It’s just real now. So, it’s time to tell Patrick.”

  I cringed inwardly and looked over at the door again. Grace laughed and shook her head. “It’s okay, he won’t be here for a while longer, if he even shows up. Anyway, how are you doing? Are you still with Jason?” I nodded and she ran a hand through her hair, her eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. “Seriously? Wow.”

  “Why do you sound so surprised?” I asked, feeling a little defensive.

  She put her hands over her face and flopped backward. “Never mind! I just always thought you and that Asher guy had a thing for each other. Jason’s nice and all, but I didn’t expect you to still be with him. Obviously, I was wrong!” She giggled and peeked out at me.

  I plastered a smile on my face and forced out that awful fake-laugh that I hate. “Oh, no. Asher and I aren’t like that.” I wished I could tell her what was going on. I was desperate to tell someone, but I was pretty sure I couldn’t get through the whole thing without bawling and I felt horrible about even considering burdening her with my stupid problems. Especially right before something like this.

  “Well, how are Sammy and Kandice doing?” she asked, sitting back up.

  “Oh my gosh, do I have a story for you!” I grabbed her hands, scooting in closer. As I filled her in about what all had happened since the party, all that awkwardness that had grown between us in our separation suddenly disappeared and she was totally engrossed in the story when we heard a knock at the door. We gave each other a long look and stood slowly.

  Grace took a deep breath. “Let’s do this,” she said, a serious tone in her voice. Before she could reach the door, another harsh knock sounded out. “Yeah, yeah, hang on,” she mumbled, swinging the flimsy aluminum door open. Patrick stood there, a silhouette in the doorway, blocking out most of the light streaming into the dusty room. As he stepped inside uninvited and nudged the door shut with his foot, I saw he was still wearing the same old sunglasses. He must have seen me, but he didn’t acknowledge my presence in any way.

  “What do you want?” he asked Grace, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

  I stood behind her, leaning close enough to feel the warmth radiating off her body. I was nothing but a silent symbol of support, but at least I was something. “I’m pregnant,” she said.

  For a moment, everything was silent. I had enough time to think to myself that this wasn’t going to be so bad, when Patrick just exploded. I don’t know how else to explain it. His arms flew out in the air and he made this awful yelling noise deep in his throat. It was more like a roar than a scream. I have never seen anything like it. There was seriously something wrong with that guy, but between Grace and I, we managed to hold our position and we just stared, waiting for his tantrum to end.

  “You fat whore!” he yelled, kicking over a footstool. “You stupid idiot.” No, really, I’m not making this up. These were the best insults he came up with. Coming from him, though, it was still pretty scary. He lunged at us and brought back his hand, like he was going to slap Grace, but then glanced at me and thought better of it. “You can’t take care of a baby. You can’t even take care of yourself without me. Why haven’t you gone and got that thing aborted?”

  Grace just stared at him until his breathing slowed a little and he sat back squarely on his feet. “Look, are you going to take responsibility for him, or not?” she asked.

  Her demeanor seemed to calm him slightly, but I could see sweat beading on his forehead and his nostrils flared with every breath. “That thing ain’t mine. I never – we never did anything like that. Everyone knows you’ve been screwing every guy at school. It could be anyone’s.” He started to back away slightly. When he glanced at the door, I caught sight of his eyes behind the sunglasses; they were wide and showing too much white, reminding me a lot of a scared horse.

  Grace sighed with impatience. “I’m asking you one question, Patrick. That’s it. This is your kid. Are you going to take responsibility or not?”

  “No!” He bolted for the door, yanking on it a little too hard, so it slammed against the wall. Fumbling for the doorknob, he shut it quickly behind him and he was gone. I sagged a little against Grace as she gave me a triumphant look. She wasn’t smiling, but her eyes crinkled a little.

  “So you heard him, right?” she asked. “He’s not taking responsibility for the baby. Whatever I decide, his opinion doesn’t matter now. If he ever claims differently, you were here to hear the truth.”

  I nodded slightly, finally understanding. I wasn’t here for support, I was here as a witness. “Are you okay?” I asked, nearly whispering.

  She pressed her hands to her belly and smiled finally. “Yeah. Yeah,
I think I am. What a relief. My worst fear was that he might want to take the baby after he’s born. I mean, I still haven’t decided if I want to give him up for adoption, but giving him to Patrick,” she blanched, “that would be unbearable.” She led me back over to the couch, where we flopped back down. “Okay, now finish telling me about Kandice and Sammy.”

  We talked for a while longer, but as it started to get dark, I decided to head back home. “Where’s your mom?” I asked as I gathered up my coat.

  “Oh, she works like three jobs,” Grace explained, opening the front door for me. “She’ll be back in a few hours to eat dinner and get a few hours of sleep.”

  “And your dad?” I ventured.

  Her eyes looked blank. “He’s in jail.” She watched me carefully for my reaction.

  I just nodded and stepped outside. “Well, you know my phone number if you need anything.”

  She raised a hand in farewell, then called after me, “Hey, remember what I said before. When things get too complicated, come find me. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Okay.” I hauled my bike upright and hopped on, pushing hard to get home before the night took over. Or maybe I was pushing hard to get home to where it was bright and warm and maybe not happy, but at least it felt safe. Regret #3 on my list: Ignoring all the signs that something was really, really wrong – it wasn’t just about Grace anymore, I realized. I felt responsible for that little unborn baby, too. I didn’t want him growing up in that cold, dusty house that everyone had abandoned except for Grace.

  It was strange, seeing how much Grace had changed. I guess it was the baby. She had to be strong now, for him. As the cold wind streaked through my hair, blowing it in long, red tangles behind me, I worried that I would end up like her someday. Maybe we would have a bigger house, somewhere cozy and warm, but someday I would end up with a baby in my belly, feeling all alone except for that little life inside of me. With every day that passed and I felt stranger and more uneasy with Jason, I knew I wasn’t going to learn to love him. That kind of thing just can’t be forced, no matter how hard you try. But then I reminded myself: it wasn’t my job to love him, it was my job to make him happy.